Old New Yonkers

""There isn't much interesting going on here. Just an upper middle class neighborhood of old farts and thier kids. These people grew up in the sixties and now their kids are doing lowkey "rebellions" agaist their oppressive parents, such as skipping prayer at night or lovebirds doing a quick pecky lip kiss when no one's looking. One day, when these teens grow up and move out, they're going to be the rowdiest of the rowdy fuckers, and the most ruthless of cop killers. Pendilum swing. A ripe time to convince these juveniles to be on your team and not the opposition.""

- Niboe

Channel Description
Heavily gentrified residential neighborhood.

!Look Message
Rows of three-story brick condominiums with white marble moulding wind along lanes of old asphalt roads with faded markings. Spiked wrought-iron gates protect the lawn of the district's principal institutions, like the senior center.

Old New Yonkers is popular with the older citizens of the city, due to its incredibly boring, gentrified residential landscape. Modest outdoor malls sells useless shit like candles and soaps, and the elderly population fills up their lumpy, sagging bodies at chain restaurants like Applebee's and fucking IHOP.

Previous !Look Message
Rows of three-story brick and stone condominiums with white marble moulding wind along lanes of chipped cobblestone. Wrought-iron spikes jut from windows and balconies.

Real Estate Agency
The gaudy multicolored decor in here assaults the eyes. You're surprised the disheveled drunk realtor behind the counter could even focus in this environment. Well, knowing him, maybe he isn't.

If you want to move off the streets and into a hellish apartment complex, see Real Estate.

Usury Lane
This satanic manifestation of hell on earth is a perfectly normal road that has been overrun by extortionate loaning agencies and mortgage financiers. Their interest rates are so absurd that more or less any loan you take out will render you a literal slave before you're able to make your first payment. You'll have deserved it, too.

Old Folks Home
This street is home to a building that sits apart from the seemingly endless rows of houses filling your view. Depression seems to ooze from the very sight of the complex. The front of the building greets you with various types of lawn ornaments. Nothing much seems to go on here. It's said if you're very lucky you may see one of its residents leaving the home to yell at kids for coming within spitting distance of the lawn.

Luxury Townhouses
This row of ornately designed, spacious townhouses are home to some retired captains of industry. They've had their fun making metric fucktons of slime through worker exploitation and literal cattle slavery, they've come here to waste away with their families. This area is patrolled by the neighborhood watch, which keeps out the troublemakers. You've got nothing to worry about though, they're all in wheelchairs or using walkers.

Shopping Center
It's just some normal, boring parking lot shopping center. There's a bunch of chain family restaurants and soulless department stores. Grandparents are out and about, presumably buying candles, greeting cards, and other useless shit no one actually needs. You are disgusted.

Morty Hill
This is the breezy hilltop cemetery where boomers go to die and never come back. Finally, a place in Old New Yonkers you can get behind! They place your tombstone here when you've been zucked hard enough to be physically dead, or if you've stayed dead long enough to be emotionally dead to all your friends and family. Either way, if you find a grave, it's probably worth dancing on.