Real Estate

The Slimecorp Real Estate Agency is, well, the agency where you buy real estate. First, check out the property you want with  [district]. The real estate agent will tell you a bit about the area. Once you've made your decision, you can  [district]' to seal the deal. There's a down payment, and you will be charged rent every 2 IRL days. Fair warning, though, if you already have an apartment and you rent a second one, you will be moved out of the first.

Finally, if you own an apartment already, you can  it, improving its storage capabilities, but you'll be charged a huge down payment and your rent will double. The biggest upgrade stores 40 closet items, 20 food items, and 25 pieces of furniture. And if you're ready to cut and run, use  to end your contract. It'll cost another down payment, though.

You can  to acquire a housekey. Giving this item to some lucky fellow gives them access to your apartment, including all your prized possessions. Getting burglarized? Use  to eliminate all housekeys you created. Both cost a premium, though.

Real-estate consult messages
Prices vary depending on which gang member you are and who the district is controlled by but these are more or less what you are expected to pay

Arsonbrook
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Arsonbrook. "Oh, Arsonbrook? Hang on, I actually need to check if that one's available. You know how it is. We have to make sure we're not selling any torched buildings to our customers. I realize how that sounds, but owning an apartment in Arsonbrook is easier than you think. Once you're settled in with a fire extinguisher or three, the local troublemakers will probably start going for emptier flats. And even if your house does get burned down, it'll be one hell of a story."

The cost per month is 312,052,500 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,248,210,000 SC.

Assault Flats Beach
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Assault Flats Beach. "Sure, the flat has massive storage space in all aspects. Sure, you can ride a blimp to work if you feel like it. Sure, it's the very definition of "beachhouse on the waterfront". But do you REALLY know why this is a top piece of real estate? Dinosaurs. They're huge, they attack people, they're just an all around riot. If you catch some of the ones here and sell them to paleontologists, this place will pay itself back in no time."

The cost per month is 1,248,210,000,000,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 4,992,840,000,000,000 SC.

Astatine Heights
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Astatine Heights. "If you live with the yuppies in Astatine Heights, people will treat you like a god. When you walk by on the street, they'll say: "Oh wow! I can't believe such a rich Juvie is able to tolerate my presence! I must fellate him now, such that my breathing is accepted in their presence!" It has amazing garage space and a walk-in fridge. Trust me, the mere sight of it would make a communist keel over in disgusted envy."

Brawlden
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Brawlden. "Brawlden's not too scary to live in, relatively speaking. Maybe you'll get pummeled by a straggling dad if you look at him funny, but chances are he won't kill you. If the lanky fellows down at N.L.A.C.U. Labs are able to live in Brawlden, I'm sure you can too. And think of the money you're saving! A "quality" apartment, complete with the best mini-fridge and cupboard this side of the city!"

The cost per month is 208,035 SC. The down payment is four times that, 832,140 SC.

Charcoal park
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Charcoal Park. "It's a po-dunk place with po-dunk people. That is to say, it doesn't matter. Charcoal Park is the equivalent of a flyover state, but its location on the edge of the map prevents even that utility. That's exactly why it's perfect for a juvie like yourself. If you want to go into hiding, I personally guarantee the cops will never find you. Of course, you may end up assimilating with the uninspired fucks that live there, but I think that it still fills a niche here in our fair city."

The cost per month is 208,035 SC. The down payment is four times that, 832,140 SC.

Cratersville
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Cratersville. "OK...what to say about Cratersville? It's cheap, for one. You're not going to get a better deal on housing anywhere else. It's... It has a fridge, and a closet, and everything! I'm pretty sure there aren't holes in any of those objects, either, at least not when you get them. What else? I guess it has less gang violence than Downtown, and cleaner air than Smogsburg. Actually, fuck it. This place sucks. Just buy the property already."

The cost per month is 208,035 SC. The down payment is four times that, 832,140 SC.

Crookline
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Crookline. "Now, we've gotten a lot of complaints about thieves here, stealing our clients' SlimeCoin wallets and relieving them of our rent money. We acknowledge this is a problem, so for every purchase of a property in Crookline, we've included this anti-thievery metal codpiece. Similar to how a chastity belt blocks sexual urges, this covers your pockets, making you invulnerable to petty thieves. Apart from that perk, in Crookline you'll get a lovely high-rise flat with all the essentials, all coated in a neat gloomy neon aesthetic."

The cost per month is 312,052,500 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,248,210,000 SC.

Downtown NLACakaNM
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Downtown NLACakaNM. "Our complex in Downtown is a sight to behold, one of our most in-demand properties. The whole complex is 2-story penthouses, with built-in storage facility/fallout shelter, restaurant-sized fridge, and state-of-the-art bulletproof windows. This is an offer you won't want to pass up, believe me. Now, perhaps you're concerned about the large amount of gang violence in the area. But, uh...shut up."

The cost per month is 624,105,000,000,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 2,496,420,000,000,000 SC.

Dreadford
ou ask the realtor what he thinks of Dreadford. "Have you ever wanted to suck on the sweet, sweet teat of ultra-decadence? Do you have multiple yachts? Do you buy both versions of Pokemon when they come out, just because you can blow the cash? Ha. Let me introduce you to the next level of opulence. Each apartment is a full-scale mansion, maintained by some of the finest slimebutlers in the industry. In the morning they tickle your feet to get you up, and at night they sing you Sixten ballads to drift you back to restful slumber. The place is bulletproof, fireproof, and doubles as a nuclear bunker if things go south. And it stores...everything. The price, you say? Shit, I was hoping you wouldn't ask."

The cost per month is 1,248,210,000,000,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 4,992,840,000,000,000 SC.

Gatlingsdale
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Gatlingsdale. "You'll be living above a bookstore, it looks like. We'd have a normal apartment complex set up, but these pretentious small businesses refuse to sell their property. Guess you'll have to settle for living in some hipster's wet dream for now. We are working to resolve the inconvenience as soon as we can. On the upside, you have every liberty to shout loudly below them and disrupt their quiet reading environment."

The cost per month is 416,070,000,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,664,280,000,000 SC.

Green Lights District
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Green Light District. "Did you just win the lottery? Have you recently made spending decisions that alienated you from your family? Are you TFAAAP? Then the Green Light District Triple Seven Apartments are for you! Gamble, drink, and do whatever they do in brothels to your heart's content, all far beyond the judging eyes of society! Just remember, with rent this high, you should enjoy those luxuries while they last..."

The cost per month is 417,276,000,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,669,104,000,000 SC.

Jaywalker Plain
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Jaywalker Plain. "Are you one of those NMU students? Or maybe you're after the drug culture. Well in either case, Jaywalker Plain's an excellent place to ruin your life. In addition to having lots of like-minded enablers, the countless parks will give you the perfect spot to pace and ruminate on your decisions. You know, this is a sales pitch. I probably shouldn't make the place sound so shitty."

The cost per month is 208,638 SC. The down payment is four times that, 834,552 SC.

Krak Bay
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Krak Bay. "Krak Bay is a real social hotspot. Teenagers come from all over to indulge in shopping sprees they can't afford and gorge themselves on fast food with dubious health standards. I say this all as a compliment, of course. Stay here, and you won't have to walk through the city for ages just to get a good taco. As for the apartment quality, you can rest assured that it is definitely an apartment."

The cost per month is 417,276,000,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,669,104,000,000 SC.

Little Chernobyl
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Little Chernobyl. "You're an adventurous one, choosing the good ol' LC. The place is full of ruins and irradiated to hell. A friend of mine once walked into the place, scrawny and pathetic, and walked out a griseled man, full of testosterone and ready to wrestle another crazed mutant. Of course, his hair had fallen out, but never mind that. I'm sure your stay will be just as exciting. Just sign on the dotted line."

The cost per month is 208,638 SC. The down payment is four times that, 834,552 SC.

Maimridge
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Maimridge. "Perhaps you think it's sketchy that we're selling lightly refurbished log cabins built eons ago. Well let me ask you something, young juvie: do you like getting laid? Well, living in Maimridge is your ticket into ice-cold lust and debauchery. You just bring a lady friend or whoever into your isolated mountain cabin, and our state-of-the-art faulty electrical wiring will leave you stranded and huddling for warmth in no time flat! Wow...I'm picturing you now. Yeah, you definitely want this one."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

New New Yonkers
You ask the realtor what he thinks of New New Yonkers. "Let's be real for a second: I don't need to tell you why New New Yonkers is amazing. They have basically everything there: bowling, lazer tag, arcades, if it distracts adolescents, they have it. Don't let the disgusting old people tell you otherwise: this place is only going up from here. Sure, we had to skimp out a bit on the structural integrity of the place, but surely that won't be noticed until vandals eventually start trying to break it down."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

North Sleezeborough
ou ask the realtor what he thinks of North Sleezeborough. "This place may as well be called Land of the Doomers, for as lively as the citizens are. They're disenfranchised, depressed, and probably voted for Gary Johnson. My suggestion is not to avoid them like the plague. Instead, I think you really ought to liven up their lives a little. Seriously, here you have a group of un-harassed people just waiting for their lives to go from bad to worse! I think a juvenile delinquent like yourself would be right at home. Wait, is that incitement? Forget what I just said."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

Old New Yonkers
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Old New Yonkers. "Eh? I guess you must've liked the view outside. I can't blame you. It's a peaceful sight out there. Lots of old folks who just want to live far away from the gang violence and close to people they can understand. They might say some racist shit while you're not looking, but getting called a bustah never hurt anybody. Wait, shit. Don't tell my boss I said the B word. Shit. OK, how about this? We normally charge this property higher, but here's a discount."

The cost per month is 417,276,000,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,669,104,000,000 SC.

Ooze Gardens
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Ooze Gardens. "This place has such a lovely counterculture. Everybody makes the community beautiful with their vibrant gardens, and during the night they celebrate their unity with PCP and drum circles. Everybody fucks everybody, and they all have Digibro-level unkempt beards. If you're willing to put gang violence aside and smell the flowers, you'll quickly find your neighbors will become your family. Of course, we all know you're unwilling to do that, so do your best to avoid killing the damn dirty hippies, OK?"

The cost per month is 417,276,000,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,669,104,000,000 SC.

Polonium Hill
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Polonium Hill. "If you live with the wannabes in Polonium Hill, people will treat you like a dog. When you walk by on the street, they'll say: "Oh damn! I can't believe such a desperate Juvie is able to go on living! I must slit their throat just to put 'em out of their misery!" It nonetheless has amazing storage space and a big, gaudy-looking fridge. Trust me, the mere sight of it would make a communist keel over from the abject waste of material goods. I'm just being honest, buddy. Go live in Astatine Heights instead."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

Poudrin Alley
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Poudrin Alley. "You know, people point to the labyrinthine building structure and the morbid levels of graffiti and say this place is a wreck. I don't think so, though. Graffiti is art, and unlike many districts in NLACakaNM, the densely packed cityscape makes it difficult to get shot through your window. The 7-11's right around the corner, to boot. For that, I'd say we're charging a real bargain."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

Slime's End
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Slime's End. "I like to imagine retiring in Slime's End. To wake up to the sound of gulls and seafoam, to walk out into the sun and lie under a tree for the rest my days, doesn't it sound perfect? Then, when my old age finally creeps up on me, I can just walk off the cliff and skip all those tearful goodbyes at the very end. Er...right, the apartment. It's pretty good, a nice view. I know you're not quite retiring age, but I'm sure you'll get there."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

Smogsburg
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Smogsburg. "Have you ever wanted wake up to a haze outside your window every morning? Or to fall asleep to the sound of bazaar merchants bickering with one another in foreign languages? I do, too! That's why I live in Smogsburg, where the prices are low and the furniture is close! Seriously, because of how nearby it is to the bazaar, I've been sniping amazing deals on high quality furniture. Wait...why are you looking at me like that? Actually on second thought, don't buy a property here. I don't want you to steal my shit."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

South Sleezeborough
You ask the realtor what he thinks of South Sleezeborough. "Ah, I see. Yes, I was a weeb once, too. I always wanted to go to the place where anime is real and everyone can buy swords. Even if the streets smell like fish, the atmosphere is unforgettable. And with this apartment, the place actually reflects that culture. The doors are all sliding, the bathroom is Japanese-style, and your window overlooks to a picturesque view of the Dojo."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

Toxington
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Toxington. "Are you really considering living in a place that's completely overrun with deadly gases? It's called TOXINGTON, you idiot! The few people who live there now are miners whose brains were already poisoned into obsolescence. I know we technically sell it as a property, but come on, man! You have so much to live for! Call a suicide hotline or get a therapist or something. Anything but this."

The cost per month is 208,638 SC. The down payment is four times that, 834,552 SC.

Vagrant's Corner
ou ask the realtor what he thinks of Vagrant's Corner. "Hmm. I've never actually been to Vagrant's Corner. And all it says on this description is that it has a lot of pirates. Pirates are pretty cool, though. Like, remember that time when Luffy had Rob Lucci in the tower, and he Gum Gum Gatling-ed the living shit out of him and broke the building? That was sick, dude. OK, Google is telling me that there's a pretty good bar there, so I suppose that would be a perk, too."

The cost per month is 208,638 SC. The down payment is four times that, 834,552 SC.

Vandal Park
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Vandal Park. "Did you know that the apartment complex we have for lease was once lived in by the famous Squickey Henderson? That guy hit like 297 home runs in his career, and you better believe he picked up his bat skills from gang violence. What I'm telling you is, if you buy property here, then you're on your way to the major leagues, probably! Besides, the apartment is actually pretty well built."

The cost per month is 312,957,000 SC. The down payment is four times that, 1,251,828,000 SC.

Glocksbury
You ask the realtor what he thinks of Glocksbury. "There are a lot of police here. I can see the frothing rage in your eyes already, but hear me out. If you want to go do the gang violence, or whatever you kids do these days, then you can go over someplace else and do it there. Then, when you come back, your poudrins and dire apples will still be unstolen. I suppose that still means you're living around cops all the time, but for this price, that may be an atrocity you have to endure."

The cost per month is 210,648 SC. The down payment is four times that, 842,592 SC.

West Glocksbury
You ask the realtor what he thinks of West Glocksbury. "If you ever wanted to turn killing people into a reality show, this is probably where you'd film it. The cops were stationed in Glocksbury in order to deal with this place, but they don't tread here for the same reason most of us don't. The corpses here get mangled. I've seen ripped out spines, chainsaw wounds, and other Mortal Kombat-like lacerations. Our photographer couldn't even take a picture of the property without getting a severed leg in the shot. But, as a delinquent yourself, I imagine that could also be a good thing."

The cost per month is 210,648 SC. The down payment is four times that, 842,592 SC.

Wreckington
ou ask the realtor what he thinks of Wreckington. "So you want to eat a lot of really good pancakes. And you also want to live in a place that looks like war-torn Syria. But unfortunately, you can't do both at the same time. Well boy howdy, do I have a solution for you! Wreckington is world-famous for its abandoned and demolished properties and its amazing homestyle diner. More than one apartment complex has actually been demolished with people still in it! How's that for a life-enhancing risk?"

The cost per month is 210,648 SC. The down payment is four times that, 842,592 SC.

Rowdy Roughhouse, Cop Killtown, and Juvie's Row
"We don't have apartments in such...urban places," your consultant mutters under his breath